The Dreary Night

Sometimes I hate the night. Often I feel a disconnect with normal life. Nothing seems to have any value. I wonder why anything is worth putting in any effort. Trying to get to sleep at home after I got out of the hospital was particularly difficult. Everything seemed empty and meaningless, yet I needed to think of something positive in order to get to sleep.

My medicine can often make me very drowsy at night, which means what little "nightlife" I had is pretty much gone. I can certainly put off taking my meds to a later hour, but when your body is used to feeling drowsy at a certain time, it can still be hard to mess up your schedule. It's best for me to stay on a good schedule, anyway.

I actually feel better typing this post. Just knowing that you all are out there is comforting. I suppose it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I don't feel alone with my family spinning on a little ball out in space. There is companionship and fellowship out there to pull me out of myself.

Down Day

Tired and discouraged tonight. I've been busy for the last few days, however, so I'm expecting to feel better tomorrow. I am disappointed because I thought I'd found a support group for people with mental illnesses, but they don't appear to still be running, or at least not on the schedule that I found. Why is it so hard to meet people? Too tired to go into any detailed analysis of my thoughts on the subject, so discuss among yourselves. :)

Just Keep Swimming

Too darn long since I last posted! I've been getting busier with enjoyable things, like going to the pool with the girls. I have no idea why I haven't done that sooner. Especially since no other exercise plan looks like it will work out this summer. We can't afford a bicycle or even good walking shoes for me at the moment, so swimming is a good alternative.

I'm actually so busy that I've barely touched my computer lately! I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that this winter, though. I just need to write here more often. Life could be seen as outwardly boring because we haven't been doing "exciting" things, but I think we are all enjoying the summer. The girls have spent lots of time swimming, bicycling and hanging out with their friends, all good kid summer activities. No need for admonitions to come in when the streetlights come on, however. If the girls are at a friend's house that late, it usually ends up being a sleepover!

East End

I live on the far west side of Cleveland. When I meet up with my friend, we meet on the far east side of Cleveland, because my friend lives even further east, outside the greater Cleveland area altogether. We usually go window shopping after we eat. This past time, we went to a different mall. It was really amazing. I mean, there are rich people on the west side of Cleveland, judging by the number of big, expensive homes. However, the east side must have people that are even richer. Nowhere on the west side are there stores like the east side. A Swarovski crystal store, with a male sales attendant wearing more makeup than my friend and combined. I don't know how he could even move his face to speak. Saks Fifth Avenue. Nordstrom's. (Us poor folk on the west side have to get along with Dillard's and Macy's and JC Penney.) There was even a LEGO store. I wonder how long the economy will be able to support having such stores. Even the uber-wealthy are going to have to feel it eventually, I would think. Dang, I'm such a pessimist!

Out of the House

Had a Girl's Night Out with a friend tonight. Every time I have one, I realize all over again how much I need them, and resolve to do it more often. Well, my friend and I probably will be meeting again soon, but I need to get out more as well, with family or friends. When I'm at home I think I tend to turn inward too much, and brood. Yes, my family, and I, have problems, but fretting over them won't do anything to solve them. Of course, I don't have any ideas for solutions, either. But I'm tired after my big night out, and Tomorrow Is Another Day.

Awake...Asleep

Very tired. Drove to Toledo and back tonight to pick up the Musician. She attended the annual Higher Things youth conference with a church group from that area. I'm hoping I will be able to slow my mind down enough to get to sleep soon. Having to stay awake and alert for several hours only to try to go to sleep soon after is frustrating.

The Future

I'm feeling better today. I need to find someone that I can "dump on" when I'm feeling frustrated or confused. Although I should also journal more. Writing things down is really a good way to get things out of my system. Like Karen, I'm starting to feel like I have church issues. Which is surprising. Our church is liturgical and traditional, which I like, and the pastors are great. But is it wrong to want to have friends with some of the people that you go to church with, instead of just everyone being a bunch of people that you see once a week? Distance is also getting to be an issue, with the price of gas, and also because I would like to have some kind of local feeling at my church. We leave at least twenty minutes to a half hour away from most of the people who attend the church. And I am also really not fond of the new location (long story.) I think Greater Cleveland needs more than one confessional Lutheran church!!

Need Advice

What do you blog about when you are cranky and you can't say what you really want to say? I mean, yes, I'm evil, but people look at you funny when you let your evil flag fly. Sigh.

A Change

After four hours of work by the installers this morning, we finally have air conditioning again. I'm feeling relief with my skin, although it will take a while to heal. One positive side effect is that I am drowsy tonight for the first time in a week or more. That feels really good. Actually, I'm too tired to really type much more of anything coherent, so, goodnight!

Nothing

I'm tired. Very tired. Wishing I could stop.

Bleah

I'm unhappy. I seem to have developed some kind of skin allergy to something outside. I base this on the fact that, without air conditioning, I'm feeling like I have chicken pox or something. My skin has been rashy and itchy even on the days that it was cooler. Today, some of my skin has even transitioned from itchy to raw feeling. And Mr. BTEG forgot the Benadryl when he went shopping this morning.

I've always had sensitive skin; I'm sure I've mentioned this here before. So I'm already using the soaps and laundry detergents for sensitive skin. I'm guessing that I haven't seen this skin issue before because we usually spend the summer in air conditioning. But thanks to the Air Conditioning Saga, I get to spend almost a week more feeling itchy.

We're spending some time over the holidays with my in-laws, but even then, a lot of the time we will be outdoors at a family picnic. We'll see if whatever it is that I'm allergic to will affect me there.

Dancin' the Night Away

The Dancer and I had the first Mother/Daughter dance class that we have done in two years. And I enjoyed it just as much. Which is kind of bad, because I would like to find a place where I can take ballet as an adult, but not an adult who has been taking dance her entire life.

The Dancer has, as she told me, matured, so she understands better that Mom, who has not had years of ballet training and is not as young as she used to be, is not going to be a spectacular dancer. But we enjoy it.

I've certainly not been exercising as much as I could or should, but I must be in better shape than I was two years ago. I was not nearly as wiped out as I remember being before.

The Circle Comes Back Around

The Musician is the one who made the choice for her current name on this blog to be: the Musician. I think she picked this name because the big extracurricular interest for her in high school at the moment is the high school marching and concert band. She enjoys being with her friends but she also does want to play her parts well.

I forget what made us get the Musician started taking piano lessons. I think it was because she wanted to take guitar, and honestly, Mr. BTEG and I felt that piano was a better choice to actually learn to read the notes and learn about scales and chords. I imagine we were open to her learning guitar but we wanted her to have a sound musical foundation first. She did well; she even performed in front of judges for a competition, which I thought was impressive considering she was only about seven or so.

Her piano teacher was also a former opera singer. The Musician sang the words as she played some of her piano pieces, and her teacher suggested she take voice lessons as well. She didn't do the voice lessons for long, but to my lay ears you can tell that she did have some training. She also picked up a few extra instruments and played around with them: a flute carved out of wood, a Scottish whistle, an Irish drum. She wasn't a prodigy; we never thought music would be her life, but she did show a musical bent.

So what happened next? Well, she didn't want to practice. I suppose we could have forced her to do so, but it seemed like a really good way to kill any little interest in music that she had left, and it would have been as much work or more for us to make her do it.

She still played around with instruments occasionally, inherited a student guitar from a friend of ours and picked up some chords. Fast forward to public school in eighth grade, when she decides she is interested in learning percussion. We didn't have an extra lot of money lying around, so we advised her to ask her music teacher (from whom she was taking general music) if he knew someone who could teach her percussion inexpensively. He suggested she join concert band and she did for the second half of the school year. She lacked experience but could still read music fairly well and picked up percussion quickly, leading her to being in pit in the marching band, and playing bells and similar in concert band.

Now a friend of ours, who has a musical background, has starting giving her voice lessons after hearing her sing in church. He will also be teaching her how to play the cornet. She borrowed that from a friend whose mother used to play it. She's also expressing interest in playing the organ, although goodness knows how she'd practice. She'll still never be a professional or anything, but her father and I are glad to see a deeper interest in music coming back. And that those piano lessons we paid for were worth something!

Selling Online

I like to surf eBay, checking out the sections that sell stuff that I am interested in. Sometimes I buy something if the price is right. Mostly I just look. I would really love to email some of these people privately and ask them why on earth they have their auctions set up the way that they do. I could probably create a book or a DVD on how to improve your online auctions, but since I'm a giver, I'll share a few tips for free.

1. Rotate your pictures to the correct view. It's really hard to get a good look at an item when it is sideways. I'm not sure what viewer I use to see my photos (hopefully Mr. BTEG will chime in here) but I can rotate pictures there easily. I think eBay even offers you an opportunity to rotate pictures while you are uploading them. Find a way to do this.
2. I am interested in dolls and things related to dolls, which means taking pictures of small things, preferably close up to get a better view. Seriously, if your digital camera doesn't have a macro feature, find someone who has one. Make friends with someone who has a camera with this feature, just because he has it. A blurry picture, or a picture taken from far enough away to keep the picture from being blurry, does not really display your item to its best advantage.
3. Pay attention to the lighting. A blurry picture is only better than a blurry picture taken in the shadows. Some people who sell big ticket items very seriously online, have a photo tent with lights placed at several angles, to get the absolute best effects. This isn't an necessity. Take your item to a window and use the light from that big thing in the sky with which God has blessed us. Use a bright light inside your home, or even two, if it's winter or whatever.
4. Be descriptive. Believe it or not, there are people who sell something like, say, doll furniture, where measurements are really important, who don't offer any measurements in the description. OTOH, if you are selling a well-known brand of doll, you don't really need to give the height of a doll. People generally know what size the goddess of pink plastic is.
5. Pick a good background. People really don't need or want to see everything on your kitchen counters, or all the assorted piles of papers and whatnot in your computer area. There has to be a blank wall somewhere in your home.
6. Pay attention to where your auction ends up. Every now and then I see an auction for a full-sized adult piece of furniture in the doll furniture section, or something similar. eBay does let you search for the right category by typing in keywords, but it is up to you to make sure your item is in the best category, or even the right category.
7. Don't throw stuff into your auction just because you want to get rid of it. I wonder about doll furniture auctions where a doll, sometimes a very obscure or ugly doll, is included with the furniture. Maybe some people say, hey, I'd like to buy a piece of doll furniture for which I have no doll that I could display with it. And I have no preference on what kind of doll I would like. I would imagine this doesn't apply to the majority.

I also have the observation that sales in the doll sections really seem to have decreased. Some items are still popular, and some are absolutely incomprehensible to me. I don't understand why people would pay up to $100 for an outfit for a Titanic doll, especially when there are multiples of the same outfit listed at the same time, and more being listed almost every day. But in general, things are just not selling. You can scroll through a page of almost 200 items where most of them have no interest. I wonder if the auctions for, say, practical items like kids' clothing have gone up as people are looking to save money there.

The Saga Continues

Since I'm tired tonight, I will just give a quick update on the Air Conditioning Saga. It was determined that we need a whole new air conditioner. Air conditioner wouldn't even run; it tripped off the breaker every time instead. Fortunately, it has been fairly cool, although rainy, which means running around the house closing the windows when it rains. Good thing the weather has not been too unbearably hot, since the air conditioner is not scheduled to be replaced until July 7th.

Unfortunately, my skin has been unusually itchy. For a while I had some good heat rash going on, but that hasn't been so much of an issue the last few days. Since we're getting rain just about every day, the humidity is high, so I'm guessing it's some sort of outdoor allergy. I'm using cortisone sparingly and looking forward to closing the windows to see what happens.

The Good, the Bad, the Not Really There Yet

Today was a difficult day. Some of it was due to... stuff that happens. Like the battery dying in our car, so that the Dancer and I missed her first summer jazz class and our first Mom/Daughter summer ballet class. The Musician not being careful enough with bleach, so my only wear-out-shirt now has bleach spots. But some of it was related to my old enemy, bipolar. It's a difficult line to walk. I'm not the kind of person to just go off her medication. It's not really any fun in the long run. Heck, since I tend to cycle rather quickly, it's not very fun in the short run, either. But the medication does not exactly make you normal. Some of the parts of you that were good can get lost on the medication, and you miss them. I'm going to have a chat with my psychiatrist and see if a change might help. At this point, I'm willing to try a little medication roulette if I can get back some of my energy and enthusiasm for life.

Bleak

Do you all of you out there know what reborn dolls are? They are mass-produced dolls that are redone using paint (down to tiny veins,) rooted hair, and appropriate stuffing or filling to imitate an actual newborn baby. Magnets can be used to give the baby a pacifier. It's not my thing, but then most people would probably think I was strange for collecting dolls at all, so there you are. But tonight on eBay was a first for me: a reborn baby vampire doll. Creepy! Not to mention, how do vampires have babies anyway? Besides that whole Twilight thing which is probably at fault for a lot of this current vampire craze anyway. I suppose some people would like the sweetness and innocence of a baby combined with the darkness of a vampire--or they want to pretend they have Edward Cullen's love child. It just seems a little too ghoulish for me.

Our culture seems to be ever more fascinated with death, darkness and things that go bump in the night. It may be more of an issue to me because of my illness. If I am not careful, I can get pulled into the abyss easier than most. But thinking of the idea of "the culture of death" that some have thrown around, due to the acceptance, and in some cases encouragement, of abortion and euthanasia, I wonder. Non-Christians have every right to collect a doll created after the Death Tarot card, or be drawn to gloominess and cemeteries. Am I overreacting to wonder if our culture can wonder too far down the path into darkness? What do you see in your world?

Hanging On to a LIttle

So. I got a lot of stuff about school out there yesterday. It seems kind of strange and disjointed, perhaps. All I can say is, the feelings homeschool moms have when they are told they are ruining their children or doing something wrong or whatnot? I have those feelings too, but in this case it is about my kids being indoctrinated and not getting to explore their own interests and not getting enough depth, and on and on. Mr. BTEG and I know that we are doing what is best for our family, so I don't exactly feel guilt. I just want to say that there is room, and use, for the basic public school idea. There are a lot of things that could be changed about schools, and I think the addition of charter schools and more freedom for homeschool would be great. But the large school really fits our needs at the moment. It doesn't have to stay "public;" it doesn't have to be the only game in town. But I'd like to see something similar stay around.

Thoughts on Schools

I've been mulling over this article by Zombie and accompanying pictures for quite a while. Taking your students out of school for a day to lobby for higher pay for you *cough*andsocialism*cough*? It's awful, and I absolutely believe it is true. I do see it as a bad sign for our country. I just don't see something this extreme happening outside of self-segregated leftist enclaves. YET. My daughter was in no higher than second grade when she informed us that there was now a camera on her school bus. We of course called the school district right away to find out what was going on and why we weren't informed. Is the Musician a little more apt to notice such things than the average kid? Yes. But with all the kids at that rally, aren't the odds high that there would be some child that came home and told mom and dad, "We went on a field trip today?" If the moms and dads weren't on board with this, it couldn't have happened.

I just keep coming back to personal responsibility. Mr. BTEG and I talk a lot to our daughters, not only about what they are learning in school, but about world events, what we watch on television, what we and they are interested in. We are also blessed that in our school district we do get to see most of what they are learning. The Musician can bring any of her school books home, and so can the Dancer. Projects the girls did were proudly displayed before being taken to school. The Dancer's school sent home piles of completed schoolwork. The Musician did find one of her teachers this year seemed to be a little leftist, but it barely came out during the course of the school year. Neither of the girls was ever told to tell her parents to support the local school levies. If they were told that, they would know we as parents make up our own minds about things. They do get the evolutionist line in their science classes, but they're going to get that everywhere even as adults. They're learning the valuable lesson that what adults tell them, even teachers, isn't always true.

Are there socialists at my daughters' schools? Probably. Are all of them socialists? I doubt it. What are the odds? Do I believe that everyone in this town is a socialist? Despite the fact that we are in a suburb of Cleveland, in some ways this really is like living in a small town. Lots of people who grew up here, stay here and have their own families here. Teachers live in our neighborhoods. Some of them are from prominent families in the area. We get to know them. One of the teachers at the high school has a daughter who takes a dance class with the Dancer. I was very shocked when I and another parent were talking about all the chaos done by the teachers' union in Wisconsin, and his reply was that Fox had just made all that up!! But I don't think he's a socialist. He's just an ill-informed man. Other Parent and I were very quick to inform him how good teachers currently have it. Tenure? Guaranteed yearly raises? Health insurance completely paid for? Retirement pay? Ha! Who in the private sector has seen those things in decades? But I got to have face-to-face communication with this teacher, and tell him where I stand. I doubt that the parents of those children at the rally get the same privilege. If they even want it. We do have to fight for schools that actually teach facts and useful knowledge instead of political mantras and slogans. But we aren't all hopelessly lost out here in public school land.

Something I Like to See

My town seems to really be stepping up and dealing with economic reality. Local teachers have agreed to a pay freeze, step freeze, and paying more for their health care. Police, firefighters, city council and the mayor are also not getting raises for the next year. I'm proud! How many of you or your loved ones have gotten raises any time recently? I don't even remember the last time Mr. BTEG saw a raise. It's difficult for everyone, but if our family's income is not increasing, I don't want to lose more out of our paychecks for local services. That makes sense, doesn't it?

Don't get me started on health care. I will say that I posted a while ago on how adults up to 26 years old will be able to be on their parents' policies. A teacher at our church, who works at a small parochial school, has now lost her health insurance for herself and her daughters because of this. The school cannot afford to pay for the extra people who would have to be covered, so they just dropped health care insurance altogether. We are really helping "the workers," "the little people," aren't we?