Improvement

I have been very lethargic and sluggish recently. I was starting to worry about myself. Was it depression due to our housing situation? Was it a result of my meds/mental situation? Well, the temperature has dropped and all of a sudden I am full of win again. It seems likely it was just the hot and humid weather bringing me down. We have not been running our air conditioning because of our financial setbacks earlier this year. Which is good overall, but apparently not so good for my physical state. At least I am feeling better about my overall state.

Television and Real Life

I am very tired of seeing ads for the new television show on TV Land called "Hot in Cleveland." I suppose we are supposed to favor it since it is ostensibly based on our town. To be honest, I haven't watched it. I don't watch much television in any case. I've just seen one clip, where the hot chicks from out of town are shocked and thrilled when one of their male escorts for the evening remarks something along the lines of, "Just cheese fries? You're a light eater." Not sure if that is a supposed to be a positive or negative towards Cleveland, but there certainly are different approaches to life and eating across the country.

A couple of years ago we hosted some friends and their daughter at our place. They both had lived in California for a number of years, but the wife had lived there far longer. For dinner, we served a roast and vegetables that had been thrown in with the roast. The dinner was enjoyed by all, but the wife commented that in California, they'd have been given something more along the lines of a salad. Ah well. I take C.S. Lewis' attitude that different locales can each appreciate the things they like best, as long as they refrain from attacking others' choices.

Summer Reading

"When I was your age, television was called books."

The Evil Genius family is a family of voracious readers. The Dancer is cruising her way through the Lemony Snickett series currently. The Equestrienne has been going back and reading old favorites, but she also has three assigned books for her freshman Honors English class that she has to read this summer: A Separate Peace, Night and A Raisin in the Sun. I need to buy them for her soon! I am glad to see she is reading more classic literature than she got in her 8th grade English class. I myself read the first two books for school as well. Night was assigned while we were studying in Germany, and I got to hear Elie Wiesel speak at Kent State University, although honestly I don't remember much of it! I remember I did evaluate the speech for the public speaking class I was taking that quarter.

Cheryl did a post a while ago which made me think back to all of the classics that I have read for fun or self-enrichment. I read The Picture of Dorian Gray, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Ivanhoe, All Quiet on the Western Front. I read translations of Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera after seeing the musicals. I have a tendency to do this; I read The Princess Bride and even 101 Dalmatians out of interest from the movies. Read The Neverending Story but haven't seen the whole movie. I'm sure once I end this post I will remember more classics I have read on my own.

I will have to come up with a new name for the Equestrienne, as she has lost interest in riding, at least for now. Can't come up with a better name than the High Schooler. Maybe I'll ask her for input.

Time Keeps Moving On

17 years ago today!

Think It Through

There is an organization at Values dot com that puts up billboards highlighting someone who has accomplished great things and encouraging others to do likewise with the words "Pass it on." The one I have seen most often around town is of a woman who fostered 100 children. Being a foster mom to needy kids is a great thing to do. However, the one I saw a couple times in Youngstown this weekend made me do a double take in my mind when I thought about it. It was a picture of Babe Ruth, with the phrase "From orphanage to Hall of Fame." Now, making the Baseball Hall of Fame is a special accomplishment. It puts you in the league of extraordinary athletes. However, was not Babe Ruth also a raging alcoholic and a womanizer? Is this another case of ignoring an athlete's troubled private life if he can perform on the field? Or is it a case where someone didn't think it through?

Consequences

I don't have any hard figures on eBay sales, but to my own scanning eye, it looks like a lot of things are not selling. I wonder if this is not due at least in part to higher postage costs. You can price your item at a garage sale price, but if it is fragile and/or big enough that it needs to go in a box, the price of shipping can be double or triple what is being asked as the selling price. Might as well haul the stuff down to Goodwill, I guess.

Changing Season

It feels like fall in northeast Ohio today. After some wonderfully warm and sunny days, there were a series of severe thunderstorms that passed through last night. Today, the sky is gray, the air cold, and the wind still strong. For me, a good day to stay inside and relax. For my family, a good day to go see Iron Man 2. Ah well. I wish there were more things we enjoyed doing as an entire family. Don't tell Laura, but I am not very big on movies! :O I am happy to have some quiet time, however.

Sickies

There is a cold going through the Evil Genius family. I am the one who currently has it, and I am at that stage where I am incredibly bored but don't feel up to doing anything. I'm also hoping I will get a better night's sleep than I did last night. For being sick, you'd think I would have slept like a log, but I didn't. I think I will go have some ice cream to soothe my sore throat. :)

P.S. What does it say about me that my blog has a label for ice cream? :)

Positive Notes

The first positive note is that Mr. BTEG has gotten a new job. I know it will take a while for things to settle out for us, but we are at least on the right path now.

The second positive thing was that we went geocaching on Sunday afternoon. It was a fun and free way to get out of the house, and we got some exercise to boot. The first cache we found is entitled "Gotta Go." It's in an interesting location; it looks like it was originally planned to be a street at one time. There is a level and graded area that is about street width, and the wooded lots on either side are about the size for a house. Each wooded side backs onto the houses on another residential street, so those houses have pretty nice back yards, at least unless they build there someday. One homeowner appears to have bought the back lot; it has no trees and is grassed over. Another homeowner may have purchased their back lot; there is a lot of brush cut down and they seem to burn it at times, judging by the rusty barrel in the middle of the back lot. But the most outstanding feature is the blue toilet sitting off to the side near the back. Thus the name of the cache.

We also saw six deer at the end of this "street," which ends in a large field. I guess the deer around here made it through the winter okay, judging by the amount I've seen.

The last puzzle we did was a puzzle cache, which started in a park right on Lake Erie, and ended across the street in another playground/park. We first took the chance to find a cache we had wanted to look for the previous time we were there, but there were too many people around. This time, we were able to not be so conspicuous. Part of the puzzle cache took us to the small old cemetery which is also right on the lake. The pictures I have are from the last time we were there.

Many of the stones are worn quite a bit by the weather, some to nothing but stubs. I hope the local historical society or someone else chronicled these grave stones before they became unreadable.



I thought this one was interesting, because the man died in 1816 at 82. That means he was born in 1734! Yes, I'm sure lots of people were. :) But it's still interesting to see an actual headstone from that time, and think of everything this person lived through.

The headstone included in the puzzle cache had a wife who died two days after her husband. That's how I want to go.

Cold Spell

Everything that the BTEG family has been through this year has affected me, and mostly not in very good ways. Still, I feel I have reasons, for example, to be more cynical. Things that I thought were there to help us were really just there to look at the bottom line. The world can be a very cold and unfriendly place, and I've seen a lot more of that lately than things in the world that are good. I've also learned more about some people's true characters. That's painful, but better in the long run than thinking someone cares about you when they don't. If it wasn't better for our daughters to be settled in a home and a school, I'd love to pull up stakes and strike out somewhere new. As it is, I'm going to have to adjust to how things have changed, both in how I relate to other people, and in myself. Perhaps some of this will change when I get back solidly on my meds and there is less stress in my life.

Might As Well

Since I haven't posted in quite a while, I might as well do a proud mom brag here as well as on Facebook. The Dancer's teacher called today to tell us how far the Dancer has come in school and that she is an excellent student. They also took a practice Ohio Achievement Test today and the Dancer did the best in the class. Of course, I'm also proud as her former teacher for five years too! I would like to do an "in your face" to my parents who didn't think I could homeschool. Since I can't do it in person, I'll just do it here, lol. And I didn't even accomplish as much as I wanted as a homeschool mom, since the girls really didn't enjoy it, not nearly as much as they like public school. I've said stuff like this before, but it's still wonderful to me how well they are doing fresh out of homeschool. In a few years, I'll probably just be bragging about them as students and not throw me into the mix as much. :)

How Do They Do It?

Looking on etsy to get ideas of stuff to possibly make and sell, I have to wonder how knit dishcloths can be sold for as low as $2.00. Even if you are a lightning fast knitter, that barely covers your yarn, much less your time.

The amount of items on sale at etsy is overwhelming. The etsy people really seem to have found a good niche for themselves, and for crafters. I find it funny that having spent a *lot* of time in doctors' offices lately, and seeing a lot of elderly people in said offices, that I am the only person I have seen knitting. Unless these people have troubles with their sight and/or hands. I dread that happening to me because I enjoy various crafts so much. I would like to be able to continue to do them, well, for the rest of my life, basically. Selfish of me. :)

Untitled

the night falls without a sound, cold and alone are we.
the understanding for which you pray
flares once, then dies,
swept away by the abyss.
all hope must die.

your heart desires no more.
how could you not understand?
our dark thoughts surround us, crying,
we are fallen.

http://www.deadlounge.com/poetry/

A Timely Lyric

In this life
Things are much harder than in the after world.
This life--
You're on your own.

Wonderland for the First Time

Due to the movie advertisements, the Dancer has actually begun reading the book, Alice in Wonderland. I'm glad she is reading this classic book, glad she reads for pleasure, glad that I put in all the work teaching her to read! I'm also happy in a special way that the book she is reading came from a book collection that we inherited from a dear friend. He was fond of our daughters and I think he would enjoy seeing her discover Wonderland for the first time.

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

Sure, it's important to make sure disability claims are substantiated, and that people are really eligible for free medicine before you go shipping it out. But dragging it out for what seems like an interminable period is frustrating. My husband's reputable doctor has been more than happy to verify my husband's medical problems, and our income and insurance issues are easy to prove if you know with whom to check. And yet here we are waiting... waiting... waiting to get disability payments started up again, and to receive the medication that we simply can't afford. It's all a matter of paperwork and paper-pushing, and I suppose there is more work out there than people to do it.

I don't *necessarily* begrudge pharmaceutical companies big bucks for medication. I have no idea how many scientists spent how much time doing research to create this drug, not to mention the amount of testing it had to undergo. And companies only have a set amount of time to make back their investment before the drug goes generic and the price sinks. But when a drug costs almost a third of your rent for a month's supply, it's impossible to get on your own without insurance and/or a *good* income. In the meantime, I think the issues involved with the extended release version are wearing off. I slept most of this past weekend, but my energy and alertness are slowly returning.

Fortunately, we will be at least be picking up today a temporary free supply of another medication, which we found much easier to prove that I qualified for. I also think my doctor and his staff have been a great help with all the companies we've had to deal with, both the disability company and the pharmaceutical ones. And of course this work has essentially been done for "free." They just get our continued patronage as patients.

I feel almost afraid talking about all of this because I do not want to become a poster child for any kind of "health care reform" nonsense. I have my own ideas of what problems our health care faces and what solutions I would like to see. Please don't use me to make your points.

Keeping On

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. And absolutely nothing new has happened on the home front. Well, except that I am temporarily on an extended release version of one of my bipolar meds, and I'm afraid this med change is what led to me being rather depressed on Saturday. Been a while since I have been depressed like that. Looking back at it, I can tell it is different from normal feeling down or blue. Of course, it's hard to explain if you have never gone through it. I guess you could say it takes over your whole life. You don't feel like doing anything but lying in bed and crying.

The med change was an unfortunate result of the fact that, due to issues with getting temporary disability from Mr. BTEG's employer, we have no health insurance, and one bipolar med in particular is rather expensive. My primary physician is helping me out until we hopefully get some free pills from the pharmaceutical company. Mr. BTEG has also had to skip one of his infusions to slow down his immune system, and it is showing. BTW, when I said in my previous post that things could be straightened out in a day, I meant that things could work out in *as little* as a day. As it is, I hope things will come together by the end of this week. Otherwise we will start having serious issues to deal with.

Everything and Nothing

Right now, Mr. BTEG is having problems with his health that are affecting his job. He's not dying or anything, but he's having fatigue problems that haven't yet been fully explained. In the meantime, everything is up in the air. It's hard for me to take an interest in much of anything else while these issues are going on. Things can, and hopefully will, improve in a day or so, but in the meantime, I feel like we're in limbo. It's hard to complain, because we have every sign that things will improve, but until they actually do, there's a feeling of emptiness.

On Being Me

Even before Mr. BTEG and I had kids, I had plans to be "the cool mom." I wanted to be the mom all the kids liked, and I wanted to have the home where all the kids wanted to hang out. This has its advantages. You not only have a much clearer picture of what your own children are doing when they are doing things in your home, but you don't have to worry as much about what your kid's friends' parents are like, and what sorts of things they allow in their homes. Plus, I want my children to be able to confide in me, not another mom who appears "cool" but who may have ideas with which I do not agree. I wasn't eager to necessarily be the mom that other kids besides my own came to for advice. I do see worrying tendencies in some of the Equestrienne's friends, but that is a whole other post, if I write it.

After the party we had for the Dancer this past Saturday, however, I have finally become convinced that I do not have the personality to be "the cool mom." I dislike a lot of noise and commotion, and hate sensing that things are out of control, or at least that they are not going the way I had planned. The Dancer had a very nice party. The house was adequately clean ahead of time, the games and favors were planned out and prepared, and the refreshments were acceptable. However, at one point I went into our pantry and shut the door and took a little "time-out" because I was overwhelmed by the noise and exuberance. (Mr. BTEG was still there to supervise.) I also felt incapable at times of being in charge of the group of girls. This same problem has occurred when I have tried to be a teacher, or a Girl Scout leader. I don't feel capable of what I feel is the necessary "command" and firmness when dealing with a group of kids. You can do your own psychoanalysis of me as to why this is so. ;)

However, "knowing is half the battle." I've spent a lot of time with a counselor in the past working on another part of the battle, learning not to think negatively or have distorted thought patterns about myself. So as I let go of being "the cool mom," I can still find ways that do suit me to support my children and their friendships. And make sure I always have back-up at parties!

Follow the Story

I don't know exactly why this unfolding story here in Cleveland strikes me as interesting, except that it shows first impressions are not always the right ones. A house exploded in a Cleveland neighborhood, damaging almost 60 homes. At first, fingers were pointed at the gas company which came out to the building that exploded to turn off the gas a day or two prior. But things have gotten intriguing now that police have revealed that a next-door neighbor who complained about the empty building was convicted twice of arson in another state, and plead guilty once for burning down his house for the insurance money! He is currently being charged with deliberately creating the explosion in this home.

I also wonder what society does with people like this. I hope at least that if this man and his wife had insurance on their current abode, that the insurance company did a background check and was charging an exorbitant fee, although somehow I don't see it. There's no consolation for the many people whose homes suffered damage because of this man's alleged reckless action. I'm wondering if he shouldn't get prison time for life if found guilty. Why trust him again?