Friday Already?

To be fair, I had a really bad day yesterday, and I never even remembered my resolve to blog on Thursdays. But just keeping at the blogging is important, even if I do mess up, so here I am. I'm so glad that spring is on the way, even if winter decided to remind us that it's not quite gone yet yesterday. Anyone else have Seasonal Affective Disorder and have a rough winter this year? Of course, I didn't use my light box as reliably as I could have, so it's partially on me. My psychiatrist gave me an article recently about a light box being more useful to bipolar people if it is used around noon, so I might try that as March slowly winds away.

Still Looking Ahead

My medication difficulties continue. Being off of the one med was helping me as far as general mood and energy, but I did have a couple of mixed episodes fairly quickly. If you are not familiar with bipolar, a mixed episode involves manic and depressive symptoms together. You are agitated, angry, depressed, apt to act out. So long term, I do need some kind of medication beyond the two I am still currently taking. My doctor prescribed me something newer, which is not supposed to have the side effect of raising cholesterol. However, I'm starting to exhibit sleep deprivation symptoms. Melatonin does not seem to help, and I can't stand any kind of tea. In the meantime, I'm keeping on as best I can, on the road to a healthier me. I'm thankful that we have two cars, and that the Musician is home a good bit of the time, when she's not at work, and can drive and help out. I'm also extremely thankful that I don't have an outside job. Mr. BTEG is a great support, in every way.

Light in the Darkness

I promised that I would update once I got my light box, to let you know how it is working. Obviously, I can't peg my emotions to my environment exactly, but I can say that I am starting February in a much better place than I have for several years. I had a pretty good January as well, taking into account how much I am held back by this giant boot I have to drag around, and by not being able to drive. I am eager for new knitting projects, took tentative steps towards having my own website(s), and while I only did research on some of the other things I want to pursue, I still have the interest to follow up. I realize some of this might sound rather vague, but I don't want to reveal too much about my goals in case I don't accomplish too much. But mentally, I am doing very well.

A Nice Round Number

I have reached my thousandth blog post! In all the years since 2005(!), I've met a lot of great people, written some things I'm really proud of, discovered a lot of things about other people, life and myself, and generally had fun. A blog is actually wonderful for someone like me, a stay-at-home mom in a world where it's harder to meet and make friends with other moms, especially if you are an introvert. But I mainly enjoy just getting my point of view out, whether it's about being a mom, a wife, a conservative, a Lutheran, bipolar or anything else. At least some of the next one thousand posts are sure to be on watching my daughters reach maturity, as well as making changes in my own life as my mommy duties decrease. Can't wait to see where it's going!

Cravings

The week or so of solid gray skies and steady rain that came as a result of Hurricane Sandy made one thing clear to me: I do have Seasonal Affective Disorder. By the end of the week I was barely functional. My brain worked well enough to click a computer mouse, and that was about it.

I've always suspected that I had SAD. After all, winter is the hardest time of the year for me, emotionally. February was the month when I reached an breaking point bad enough to land me in a mental hospital. But the bad weather last month compressing it all into a solid week really convinced me. I've been pretty good about upping my Vitamin D consumption in the winter, but since we are blessed enough to have very good health insurance coverage at the moment, my psychiatrist is supporting me in trying phototherapy. Mr. BTEG is working through the insurance channels/hoops to get a light box. I'll probably update when we get one, after I've used it for a while.

My other struggle, besides craving sunlight, is craving carbs. I haven't talked about it here, but late this summer, I started eating less, trying to cut back on carbs, cutting out as much high fructose corn syrup as possible, and walking. I did manage a little bit of weight loss. But now my ankle injury has messed up my walking habit, and as winter comes on I find myself craving carbs as I haven't in a long time. Mr. BTEG, who did some research on light boxes and SAD, tells me that craving carbs in the winter is nature's way of putting us into a sort of hibernation. Well, I was certainly in hibernation mode after that week of gray and rain. But I can't do that all winter. Maybe the phototherapy will help with the carb cravings.

Oh, and Mr. BTEG also discovered that light therapy can cause someone who is bipolar to go into a manic state, or a mixed state. Swell. My mixed states are the worst ones of all. I guess we'll have to play that one by ear as well. Happy Winter!

It's All Relative

I'm getting so tired of the idea that I must somehow be able to "relate" to people who are running for office. Especially since, who could I probably be able to relate to best? Bipolar people! Let's run somebody who's mentally ill for president -- that's a GREAT idea!

I also like pets. We've always had cats as they fit our lifestyle better. Hmmmm. The last president to have a cat as a pet was Clinton. And the cat got dumped on someone else as soon as they left the White House. So, scratch that.

I'm a mom, but I don't want to see a president wearing mom jeans ever again!

I'm terrible at sports, but I would like to have a president who doesn't totally embarrass himself throwing out a first pitch. On the other hand, I really don't care what the president's ESPN basketball picks are.

Which reminds me, I also do not want to see any more presidents or first ladies on any reality shows, awards shows or sports shows. You know what's reality? Unemployment, high gas prices, massive inflation.

Don't Blink

The days are going by incredibly quickly! It's fun, until I look around the house and see what's not getting done, while I'm out running errands or going places for the girls. Ach! Definitely can't have it all, so I might as well have fun with what I have.

On a related note, sometimes bipolar people, when in their manic state, will do crazy things, like go on a shopping binge for shoes and clothes. Mr. BTEG showed me something I hadn't seen, which was that while I don't go on shopping sprees to that extent, I do have my shopping weakness. I occasionally buy some organizational bins, drawers, etc. on a quest to organize. Could be worse!

Moody

I'm starting to wonder about myself. Well, not really, but I am starting to wonder if my "cycling" is normal. Not the bipolar cycling, which I expect, but just getting through the day cycling. There isn't a day lately where I don't feel discouraged or depressed for at least part of the time. I can usually work my way up to guardedly hopeful, which is the best I get these days. Whether it's because I'm trying to protect myself, or because I see lots of bad signs about the future, I don't know. I do know that the more I do, the better I feel. Climbing out of depression to "do" is the hard part.