Extreme Selfishness

I found this article and the comments following it via The Anchoress. It is terribly, horribly, soberingly sad. First of all, for the children in situations like this. And although many of the comments in reply were negative, there were enough that basically said, "We've always felt this way and were too scared to say it!" that it might be enough of a widespread problem to cause concern.

There are a lot of thoughts that come to mind quickly. One was a refrain repeated over and over in the comments: Why did this woman ever bear children? For better or worse, if you don't want children, you don't have to have them. Several commenters chose not to, and prided themselves on it over this woman who had them and neglects them. If they don't intend to even try to be half-way decent parents, one can see their point.

Several commenters also hoped that the children will treat their mother in like fashion when they reach maturity. That they will ignore her when they go out on their own, and stick her in a nursing home the minute her health becomes the slightest burden. This is all too likely to happen.

But some larger issues were not really brought up. What about these children's relationships with their spouse? With their own children? With friends and co-workers?

Attachment theory looks at how children relate to caregivers during childhood. Whether they are securely or insecurely attached to those who care for them when they are smallest and most vulnerable will affect how they view themselves and how they relate to others for their entire lifetime. It is likely that the author of this article was not close to her parents or whoever brought her up, and she is passing this on to her children. This mother feels bored or uncomfortable with every part of being a child: the enjoyment of repetition, the need for acknowledgement and praise, the simple stories and games. She probably did not have anyone to do these things with her. Certainly none of us are perfect parents, and children should not get everything they want, whenever they want it, in any case. I, for example, do not usually see movies with my children, because I don't really like movies much at all. Their father does this with them. I am better at reading the same story over and over. If I'm tired or ill, however, they might not get a story one night. But it's not a pattern. Neither of us will miss an important event in our child's life if we can avoid it. We remember our own childhood birthdays and school plays and wanting someone to be there. An insecurely-attached child, on the other hand, can sometimes patch over their hurt that no one is consistently there for them with thoughts that they don't need anybody, that they can stand on their own!

But again, there is more than the idea of mother/child or father/child interaction here. As one article puts it, "Unselfishness, giving, love, and compassion are high values, and there is nothing like being a mother to develop those virtues in a woman. Responding to a screaming baby at two in the morning requires unselfishness. Character-growth is almost inevitable." Does this mean that any person who does not have children is selfish and lacking character? Not necessarily. But how will the person not willing to put time into caring for a child react when a sick spouse needs something at two in the morning? Or an aging parent? This is what is scary for society at large. If we do not learn love and sacrifice and compassion as children by having it modeled for us and given freely to us, will we be able to give it as adults?